to Tashkent

We travel not for trafficking alone:
By hotter winds our fiery hearts are fanned:
For lust of knowing what should not be known,
We make the Golden Journey to Samarkand.

— James Elroy Flecker, 1884-1915

The last two weeks have felt like an anxious countdown to departure, and yesterday I managed to tie up most loose ends and get started packing. After years of getting f’ed by Turkish Airlines, I can confidently say I will probably not make it to my destination on the flights I actually booked: BUT, I will be more prepared, with a change of clothes in my carry-on, a yak wool blanket, deodorant and toothpaste. At this point I’d bet money on being stuck in Istanbul for 12 hours minimum, and if I manage to make my connecting flight, I’m sure my luggage will not: a 3h layover has been gradually whittled down to 55 min, thanks to their constant schedule changes. I have 2.5 days of buffer in Tashkent to sort out whatever frustrations unfold en route.

I have had a lot going on, and I mean a lot. I have been dutifully frequenting both gyms, and will have 7 sessions behind me with my trainer before I leave (I have one more 7am on Tuesday). I am 1/3 of the way through this UX specialization program in one month, which puts me on pace to finish a 9-month program in 3 (technically 2.5, but I am not taking my computer with me on this trip so there is a two-week delay). My company has reinforced their hybrid policy, which doesn’t change a ton for me/my team other than I see my boss more and we go in two extra days a month. babies I have been showing up to lift at 7am, coming home to shower and get ready and bomb out of my house in 25 minutes to get to the office. On days I don’t do that, I do UX coursework.

We have said farewell to our two promotees, and I’ve backfilled one of my open roles. The team has business review presentations Monday/Tuesday, and the first iterations were not great, so that has taken a lot of my time. Last week was also our compensation review period, and I received a significant increase compared to what is the standard for us, as well as a chunk of equity, which is uncommon in non-tech roles. I suspected they may hit me with some kind of compensation increase with a retention aspect; I have been hopping from one retention bonus to another for awhile, and the last one fell off in November. On the plus side, my current plan is to simply transition within the company, so I ain’t mad about it.

I think I can safely say I’ve made up for lost time in the beginning of 2023. This UX certificate and lifting weights are simultaneous challenges for me: the foundations of UX are unlike anything I’ve learned before, so it has required my time and energy to actually listen and think through the information. There is a lot of project work. Typically what I learn is in some way, shape or form related to something else I know, but only now that I am in the compiling user data phase does it smack of market research; the initial course was brand new. My rough timeline is that this is complete by June, and I request that the UX research directors begin building out my 6-month role for the fall (it takes a few months to get the paperwork done and approved). I have a few month margin of error, so I am hoping that by the time my lease is up next summer, I am either in or transitioning to a different role in a different line of business, and perhaps moving again as well. I don’t hate Denver, but I suspect I will have to relocate, and will do so neutrally.

I love my new gym despite the exorbitant cost; I am sore every day and I work hard. My body is learning, I am able to connect to different muscles especially in my shoulders and back that I was unable to prior. I am hoping one of the long-term outcomes is that I manage to pull my knock-knees out a bit. My personal goals were to burn subcutaneous fat (the hyperthyroidism ate some of my muscle mass this time around, and I’ve felt flabbier than usual); to boost my metabolism; to continue to take steps to fortify my immune system against autoimmunity. My trainer has a degree in biochem, and is the perfect person to help me accomplish this. I love every moment of this experience. I see this as a long-term investment in my health, and I have 1 year and 3 months to hit the “best shape of my life” before I turn 40. I’m on my way.

Before I began going to Vital, I came across Joe Rogan’s podcast with David Goggins from last winter (I have been slow on my podcast game as I have been reading a lot). I respect the shit out of Goggins, I had read his first book last summer and am working on his new one; he is a bit too much in that he does not believe in rest or vacation and wants to be cranked up to 11 100% of the time, which to me is not sustainable and aggravates my immune system. The podcast is hilarious, and amazing: there is a part of it where he explains that being happy is easy – everyone knows how to do that – he, on the other hand, studies the dark, and that really stopped me dead in my tracks. That was one of the most relatable things I had heard in a long time, and I’ve really been reflecting on the fact that from a period of time a few years after graduating college, and especially throughout my time in Alaska, I have been systematically extracting all of the dark, shitty things inside me to contend with them. It’s often been a hard road, but it’s given me bottomless mettle and self-confidence in my ability to weather any storm. I’ve also thought a lot about how the people I encounter at this gym are the kinds of people I want in my life: people who push themselves constantly, and challenge themselves to be better, who are willing to face the music. People who are never finished becoming the best version(s) of themselves. How can I use this to further improve my quality of life, and that of others? A girl on my team recently told me that me being open about everything I’m doing has inspired her to rejoin Crossfit, as she couldn’t get started. That off-hand comment really meant a lot to me, that is the kind of shit I want more of in my life. I think it took me a long time to get into a good clip here in Denver, but I am definitely there now after a gradual upswing.

Matt also came down from Anchorage for a few days after returning from Djibouti, so we hit two excellent restaurants in town, and it was so, so nice to have him here. I’m not sure I will end up making a ton of matt close friends here in Colorado, and that’s fine with me, but I am really pleased that I’ve had so much time with my out of state friends. I am really looking forward to getting back to AK for a few days as well: I expect to propose to Di we go on at least two soul-crushing hikes, spuntino one being Bird Ridge, which I absolutely hate, because there are hours of false peaks along the way. I may also opt to re-do the Alyeska Flake, though it’s unlikely we’ll be able to get up that high with so much spring snow; we’ll see what we can do. The last time I did that hike, I did it in a fasted state and my quads gave out on the way down which was a total pain in the ass and delayed us significantly. The prospect of having a few days with two of my favorite people back in AK is really exciting. Toward the end of June, another friend is coming down from Juneau to hit the Emperor show with me in Dallas and hang for a few days. Feeling pretty grateful.

After a month of Seed probiotics, I also have experienced some interesting effects (good, bad and weird). The first few weeks, I had completely bizarre, vivid dreams, which is a known side effect of your gut flora changing. I wasn’t sure what to expect with this: it is another costly endeavor, and I was on the fence as I have a pretty healthy microbiome and have always consumed probiotic supplements and foods. I think my favorite outcome is that my teeth are whiter, or stay whiter: I have been whitening my teeth weekly for a few years now, due to a diet heavy in black coffee, black tea and red wine: I have whitened my teeth once since I began taking this supplement, and that was simply to see if I could get them even whiter. Apparently Seed has contains a probiotic strain that kills the bacteria that creates dental plaque, and that is pretty freakin’ cool. I also have completely lost my sweet tooth for the first time in my life… I am not a cake or donut person, but I do like sour candy and tart things, though I don’t partake often. I have no interest whatsoever these days.

LoomingTower

I think that’s about it for me – I have knocked out a number of books this month as well, though a few are in progress. I got through The Looming Tower, which was an unbelievably well-researched book about the lead-up to 9/11 and the pissing contest between the FBI and CIA around Osama bin Laden, as well as the life of John O’Neill, who warned the US for years and years only to die in the WTC. Hulu created a miniseries based on the book which was also very good, so I got through that. murder_in_samarkand

I am also finishing Murder in Samarkand, which is another great read, although it was difficult for me to find a copy. The book was written by a British ambassador and contains quite a bit of presumably confidential or semi-confidential information, so it seems to have been scrubbed from a lot of locations. Murray is highly critical of US and UK foreign policy toward Uzbekistan and the overlooking of gruesome human rights violations in return for UZ providing a jumping-off point to assist in the War on Terror. After reading a few more recent books about Uzbekistan, I am curious about how or why this country is the only one this travel company serves; I am not convinced it has lost its penchant for oppression and torture in the years between this book and present.

I will have to return all of my library books before I leave and will have to check a few of them out again in May; I am only home for 6 days in April between UZ and Atlanta, so it’s not going to happen. I am currently working on Tim Snyder’s The Road to Unfreedom, and Goggins’ Never Finished. I will do my best during this trip to not think about the fact that during my 6 days home, I will have to complete my own quarterly self-review, then conduct 7 of them for my direct reports, have two lifting days minimum, get organized and then head off to Atlanta to see Juan for what will likely be the last time before he moves back to Stanford. Life is hectic, but life is good.

February

I spent the entire month of February hoping, believing, that feeling totally normal was right around the corner. I’m not sure why I believed that this transition would be more like the flip of a switch than a gradual change, hike2 but it proved to be ridiculous: only in the last week or so do I feel I have returned mostly to myself: biologically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, philosophically… existentially. 2023 has been really fucking annoying so far.

The set of symptoms I’ve experienced this round has been different than past episodes. For the first time, hyperthyroidism gave me pretty constant anxiety, combined with nightly panic attacks, along the lines of “am I dying? I might be dying”… every. Night. I am pretty well equipped for this: I have long desensitized myself to the symptoms of panic attacks, as I used to have them regularly in college. What I was unprepared for is that after the hyperthyroidism had passed and my blood work returned to normal (I also passed out at LabCorp during my blood draw, which is common, but was definitely a first for me – I have no fear of needles whatsoever) I rebounded into a kind of bizarre depressive state, which was a horrible pairing for bloating, water retention and general sluggishness. I am a lot of things, depressed hasn’t ever tended to be one of them, so that really fucked me up for a few weeks. It also put a giant dent in my self-esteem, because I felt like I was exploding out of my clothes 24/7, for no apparent reason, and my scale weight was up by 7-10lbs. I am still heavier than I should be, but it is trending in the right direction, and I imagine it is just unfortunate water retention. I may or may not still have some subclinical hypothyroidism, but I will just wait it out and see if it resolves itself over the next few weeks.

I had, in mid-February, resumed fasting at 20:4 and returned to much lower carb intake and higher fat (after my trip to Chicago, where I ate EVERYTHING, as my peer there is also a foodie). chicago I also resumed my very high intensity gym routine, so that’s been great: I’ve clocked over 600 active minutes a week for the past month or so, and that is bad ass. I decided to step up my bio-hacking and have folded more adaptogens and two different probiotics into my diet: one is Seed, which is outrageously expensive, but is well researched and reviewed, so we’ll see what happens. I suspect my microbiome is quite healthy already, but I’d like to further optimize; we will continue to learn as time goes on that having shitty gut flora can cause everything from IBS to depression to anger to cystic acne.

I have invested a lot more time over the years into self-care and health/well-being, which has been a consequence of aging. It simply takes more effort and research. I decided many years ago to not wear makeup (at all), and that puts additional pressure on me to keep my skin in good shape (my skin actually looks amazing presently, and I am not particularly self-complimentary). hike3 I would not have seen myself, ten years ago, as someone who occasionally splurges on Korean beauty products, or puts carrot oil under my eyes, or uses a facial exfoliator in the shower, or puts a frozen eye mask on at 6am before my alarm goes off 18min later, but apparently I am one of those people now.

I had planned to start lifting last year and had a very protracted adjustment to Denver, so when asking myself what I want to do with my rediscovered health, I found a highly regarded strength gym 1.1 mi away from me, and will be heading in for an assessment at the end of the week. It’s time. I want to continue to do more for myself physically for every year I age; and at 40 I’d like to be in peak physical shape, so this gives me sufficient time.

Outside of fitness, I’ve forced myself to get out and socialize more; I do have a group of friends here that I have not seen much over the months. A girlfriend from work and I did a happy hour this week, then I went to see Rotting Christ, then hit another happy hour the next day with a really awesome woman who was my Lyft driver in October (yes, I got her number and we agreed to have a friend date. It was amazing). I am going to keep this up; while I am happy to stay home most of the time, it’s probably better for me to go spend time with people. I realized during the pandemic that antisocial behavior robs people of the ability to polish their ideas and sharpen their opinions; I do Zoom regularly with my friends, but I definitely need to keep up the face time.

Resuming a high fat intake (and feeling better overall) has also pushed my brain back into overdrive, and below are the books I’ve knocked out in the past month: not bad. Holy shit, sometimes you don’t know how bad you feel until you feel better.

I’ve read a few too many books to really delve into each of them: War on the West, The Identity Myth and On Decline were all excellent: Identity Myth was well researched and complex; War on the West was a slightly more vague version of such; On Decline was written by the guy who did The Authenticity Hoax. I think I’d skip On Decline in the future, start with War on the West, and if you like that one, continue with The Identity Myth, which has a ton of intriguing content and a lot of source material.

I also stumbled upon Metabolical, by one of my fave doctor-writers, Robert Lustig, so I read that, and The Hacking of the American Mind. Lustig gave a lecture I loved called Sugar: The Bitter Truth (the link is probably different from the one I originally came across, but the content is likely the same) and I’ve read his other books. Metabolical was great, very much in line with his other work – he is a crusader against processed food, and rightfully so; he is (was: he has since retired) a pediatric endocrinologist and a lot of his work is based on the horror he experienced tending to 200lb 10 year-olds – can you blame him? The second book, The Hacking of the American Mind, was kind of all over the place: neurobiology, psychology, metabolism, vices and virtues, essentially his top rules for living a good life, which I actually found to be the most memorable part of the book.

As for the other books… Sovietistan was a bit outdated, but entertaining, and I will knock out another slightly outdated Uzbekistan book before I depart, Murder in Samarkand. Secondhand Time was unbelievably good: that book will remain in my permanent collection. Probably one of the best contemporary books I’ve read about Russia in years. The final three are by Bosnian writers: the dual My Parents/This Does Not Belong To You was one I hadn’t read by Aleksandar Hemon, and The World and All That It Holds was really exceptional (it is new, and was reviewed in The Economist). I was skeptical about this book: two gay soldiers – one Sephardic Jew and one Muslim – drafted into the military as WWI begins and drift from their home in Sarajevo to Shanghai, through Tashkent and Samarkand. It ended up being as good as it was sad: and it was very both. There is a lot of history packed into that book as they move east, and east, and east, and clash with so many different cultures. It was really an exemplary read.

As for what’s coming up beyond Uzbekistan, there are some good shows in the works, particularly Emperor’s US tour (they seem to have been released from exclusivity with Psycho canceling). emperor I booked all of my stuff for Dallas and am meeting some friends down there (and perhaps bringing one of the metalheads from here with me). I considered hitting up the Chicago show for my birthday as well (they are playing Jun 23) but I think I will do something else.

Botch is also doing a reunion tour and are, shockingly, playing in Denver in the fall – there are multiple amazing shows here in the fall, including Igorrr (finally rescheduled) and Ne Obliviscaris, so it’ll be a good time of year. I am still TBD on Brutal Assault and it’s not looking promising for me given the slim pickings for hotel rooms (they did not announce this year as they usually do, so we missed the boat). I am actually feeling pretty OK about staying put this summer and maybe taking an additional trip to Myrtle Beach. I am eternally grateful that Di, my long-time hiking partner, changed her plans to drop in on me in AK when I’m up there, so that will be a very active trip and we will bang out some good, wet, muddy hikes for the days I’m there. That was a really amazing surprise.

Speaking of hardcore music, I was listening to Jocko on Huberman Lab and he was asked what was an early contributor to who he became as a person and his sense of resilience, and he attributed it to hardcore music… I was pretty shocked and amused. I have resumed listening to more podcasts lately as well.

Last, I enrolled in a course on UX, and finished the first module. It will take me a few months, but I believe I will successfully be able to switch careers in the next year or two, and I am really enjoying what I am learning. One of the researchers I spoke to commended me for my bravery at hurling myself into the unknown, but that is pretty much just my thing. Everyone across those teams has been so helpful – I’ve received a ton of source material, courses, book recommendations, have been CC’d on emails and invited to labs and studies, it’s been really awesome. I am not 100% sure if their remote situation will continue, but if not, and if I cannot stay in Denver, I will most likely move to Texas. We shall see. I also happened upon a lifetime membership to Babbel, so I am going to use that to brush up on my Swedish, which is still pretty good considering I never use it, and probably start with Russian (why not?). It’s awesome to have all of my synapses firing again.

That’s about it, I think. I may or may not post before I leave at the end of the month; we’ll see. If not, I’ll have a lot to yap about it when I get back.

Everything Everywhere

January has been a lot. I am feeling much better, which I suppose is the most important part. I managed to take someone else’s canceled endocrinology appointment in mid-Jan (every office I called was booked solid until the end of April, which was pretty nerve-wracking), and it was nice to sit down with someone who didn’t treat me like an idiot. IMG-20230128-WA0005 Given my severe lack of sleep and puffy, greying raccoon eyes at that point, I was persuaded to give beta blockers a try, and they have helped a lot. I have always been afraid of this stuff, despite it being one of the most commonly prescribed drugs in the Western world. 20mg of propanolol with 2mg of melatonin at bedtime has at least has allowed me to sleep over the past few weeks… and as of a few days ago, I am off both.

Last week I survived a heavy office week with multiple 12h days, and am happy that’s over. Our annual planning session seems to have gone decently enough – far less hectic than last year, although half our group is new, so it takes longer to come to agreement. There is a director position open in my office and I have decided to not apply: I actually informed the hiring manager earlier this week, and he was disappointed, although I suspect part of that is just trying to build the largest pool of applicants possible. I really don’t want to stay in this division beyond this position and I hate all the politics and am tired of feeling like an outlier. I am pretty sick of this org and everything we do; the only interesting part of this role is developing people: one of my people, who I confirmed will be offered a promotion on another team next week, was on the brink of being terminated a year ago. He was difficult to turn around, but I am impressed with him, proud of the outcome of the effort that went into that.

I did receive a performance review this month that was so good it even surprised me: the feedback from my peers and direct reports was extremely flattering and thoughtful, and have been assigned a number of additional responsibilities, which I am actually pretty excited about. There are multiple people on my team that will receive promotions and fly the coop, off to other NORAM-based teams where they will be leads, so there is a lot to be proud of in this year in terms of growing people.

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The Chaos Path

Human, 2.0

uzbekistan

to Tashkent

February

Everything Everywhere