Cosmosophy

I’ve been thinking throughout the month that it’s taken me a long time to get here. I mean “here” in many ways. The only part of my life that is sub-optimal is the low morale at work, and despite that, everything apart from this one very broad issue is fine.

Everything is good. Really good. I am absorbing books and courses. This summer’s dinnerplate dahlias are sprouting outside. I’ve spent a lot of quality time with many of my friends lately, and I will see more of them very soon. I had a hard landing back here from Uzbekistan, to the news I am now the only not-new manager in my peer group and am back on double duty, but I’ve streamlined both teams and everyone is organized. I’ve burned off all of my stress and the marginal amount of resentment I had been feeling about the fact that no one in my group knows me well enough to know that one of them should have sent me a text, because blindsiding me never ends well.

I’ve been to Atlanta twice since I returned, the most recent being earlier this week. georgia The first trip down I linked up with Juan and we hit up the tiny German-themed town of Helen and hiked up Blood Mountain the weekend prior; he accepted one of the offers on his house at the top of the mountain, so that was pretty cool. Colorado is nice but I honestly prefer the landscape along the Eastern Seaboard; I miss the lush greenery and the leaves even if the mountains aren’t as dramatic. georgia2 Alaska is also much more lush than here (and the most beautiful of them all). Alaska has always felt wild to me instead of desolate; Colorado is desolate in its typical bleak way. It is brown as hell here, it gets old. We’ve had weeks of unprecedented rain in Denver these past few weeks, and now even the plains you fly over when you take off and land are green, which is pretty interesting. It won’t last… it’ll be 100 degrees every day soon enough, and the sun will feel like a nuclear blast.

Monthly trips to ATL are more logistically challenging than the ones to Texas due to the distance and timezones, but it will be fine. I will head back down there in a month. What motivates me at home is that my primary team is excellent and I genuinely like each person that reports to me; they are all doing well. We are still the best. I wish I heard more from my boss about what is going well within our group, but I shared that feedback this week and hope he can adjust. I shared last week within my manager group that I need everyone else to step up: I did not come here to be a slave and have such a heavy lift compared to the others: I came here so my life could improve holistically. That was a very hard conversation for me to have, but they were receptive and we have a plan. This company used to be an awesome one to work for; there is a huge disconnect between the top and the rest of the company presently. Most people leaders are burned out. Virtually everyone across my org has expressed frustration, fatigue and disappointment. It pretty much sucks. I still want to get the fresh hell out of this division. Some days I want to run screaming into the woods and never return. Other days, I want to run straight into 6 lanes of I-25.

Continue reading →

April: UZB

It’s about as nice to be home as it was to be on vacation for multiple weeks. I ended up being spot-on in suspecting I would be stuck in Istanbul for at least 12 hours: I was in fact stuck there for exactly 12 extra hours after I was denied boarding for showing up at the gate <20m before my next flight’s departure. In typical Turkish Airlines fashion, they allowed people to board behind me, but had resold my seat by the time I got there after their previous delayed flight. It was quite annoying; thankfully there is now a YOTEL airside at IST and I crashed there for a few hours.

I also somehow screwed up the start date of the 10-day trip with Gate 1, so we spent the second free full day we had in the Fergana Valley, which was not on the original itinerary and was probably one of my highlights. PXL_20230405_102055866 Fergana is home to the original capital of Central Asia before the region was chopped up by numerous conquerors. Once we picked up our small group, we continued onto Urgench, Khiva, Bukhara, Samarkand and returned to Tashkent. On the final full day (I decided to stay an extra day), we flew out to Nukus in Karakalpakstan to see the Savitsky Art Museum and the Muynak ship cemetery on the Aral Sea. I was highly skeptical about going on this Gate 1 group tour, but our group was very small and the people were not bad, although they were much older than I was. I am mostly thrilled I got into Fergana and managed to see the second largest collection of Russian avant-garde art, all the way out in bumfuck nowhere, autonomous province UZB. I had extremely good fortune: I booked this trek into Fergana 12 hours before we departed (it was a 14+ hour day) and that same operator arranged the trip out to Nukus. Uzbekistan is developed for tourism, but not so much so that it’s easy to get to places like these (there are no tourists in Fergana, and it has at times been hot-spot for conservative and militant Islamists and extremists); Nukus is so remote and so bleak that we had to take a flight.

original_0cf5a20c-8ed8-4f1a-a7ac-606bf7866614_PXL_20230409_054358327

PXL_20230410_102559745.PORTRAIT.ORIGINAL~2

This was an excellent trip, especially for a person with a passion for history, textiles, and architecture. It was also an awesome value for money: the core itinerary included almost everything (minus flights) for $1600pp. I think I would have been less impressed had I not given myself time to maneuver to the other places I wanted to see, so I’m glad I threw in a few extra days to make my own plans. I also wanted to see if this was a viable way to explore Mongolia, and the guides are quite flexible – you can dip out anytime and do your own thing. When I got back and got the company’s latest e-mail, I noticed they’ve already launched a new trip into Kyrgyzstan, so I’m considering doing that in the fall next year as well.

I had obviously read a fair amount about the country, and Central Asia as a whole: PXL_20230406_153502531 I secured some contacts for my eventual return to Tajikistan, Kyrgyzstan & Kazakhstan (Turkmenistan scares me and is on my wait list with Belarus). I somehow managed to load up my luggage with tapestries, silk clothing, fur, leather, ceramics and saffron without having to part with any of the clothes I brought along. The food was excellent — more salads and vegetables than I expected, and more beef than lamb — and despite not feeling particularly rested, I can’t believe how much I was able to see in 2 weeks. I managed to make it home safely without incident or delay, miraculously making it through customs, bag re-check and terminal transfer in Chicago in under an hour, which is definitely a new record.

This is the first time in my life I’ve ever had extreme jetlag, and it took me 4-5 days of being back before I got a decent night’s worth of sleep… apparently 11 time zones is my limit. This will probably be my only international trip for ’23 outside of the cruise I’m taking with my parents in the winter, and that’s OK with me.

I had actually expected to be home for most of the month of May, but that won’t be the case: I learned 12 hours after I got back here that while I was away, another manager in my group had turned in her notice, and now instead of going to Atlanta to observe business reviews, I will be there to resume dual coverage and cover that team. My boss is not a fast hirer-er, and my last dual coverage lasted 6 months, so I don’t expect this to be a quick thing. That said, this team is in a much better place than the previous one, and they will require less attention as the level of proficiency is not so lopsided. Even so, I am not exactly thrilled about this, nor the monthly trips I’ll be taking to Atlanta as the summer approaches, but there is no alternative to this: we have two brand new managers, and my Chicago peer is already on dual coverage. The manager who is departing has been here for 11 years, and I cannot fathom how she has managed to stay in this leadership role for the years she has — this job is a constant three-ring circus, especially in my group.

In any case, I depart on Saturday to ATL for a few days with Juan before materializing in the office; he is also relocating and this is his last month in Atlanta, so that is inconvenient given I’ll be there regularly. I’ve already picked both gyms back up, as well as my reading routine, am wrapping up my next UX course project (2 more courses to go). Despite having to go back to Atlanta in a few weeks, I committed to 3 lifting days a week for May, and my trainer set me up with some videos as well for when I’m away for longer periods. I am really stoked to head back to AK at the end of May, and grab some beach time with my mom.

I’ve been working through performance reviews all week and while reminding one of my people to enforce healthy boundaries and find separation between work and life, I realized I should probably do a bit better too, as managing 20 people is a clusterfuck and can easily take over my entire life. I had been thinking about buying an actual personal computer for years and finally picked up a Surface 9 so I can leave my work stuff at home when I’m on PTO. Seems like a small thing, but it’s not; I have not had a personal computer since I lived in NY, and I’m pretty happy to have done this to create some more separation in my life, although I admit I probably won’t be having much of a personal life for the foreseeable future. That said, I’m skeptical about that being a reality anyway with everything else I have going on.

I also had a lengthy consultation yesterday with a tattoo studio in New Jersey; I had committed to my sister years ago to get an animal tattoo that was similar to hers. Sarah got an enormous and quite beautiful elephant on her arm years ago, and I finally warmed up to the idea enough to reach out to them and schedule a consultation. I chose a bezoar goat. However, in thinking about the design and where it will go, I decided to schedule a 1/2 sleeve, which will be a Caucasus mountain motif, with the mountain goat, a Persian leopard, some jagged mountains, and a wild Georgian snow rose or two. I figure I may as well weave in my obsession with Russian literature, Caucasian folklore, dramatic mountain ranges, travel and florals (all in black & grey) if I am making such an ambitious effort. My appointment will be two full days in November 5 days apart, which conveniently gives me time to drive up to NY and see all my favorite people. I have not gotten any ink in many years, and I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to get anything else for the remainder of my life, but fuck it. Why not. Already bought my (mileage) airfare and am looking forward to having a reason to head back and get so much accomplished.

I didn’t read at all on my trip – we were moving around too much. I did manage to finish Down and Out in Paradise: The Life of Anthony Bourdain this week. This book stirred up a lot of shit in the media, and especially after reading it I’m perplexed as to why people are so angry about it outside of the media trying to preserve a squeaky clean, infallible image of an obviously fallible person.

I don’t often find myself caring much when celebrities pass away. I can think of a few in my life who I had any reaction to: Robin Williams, Phillip Seymour Hoffman, Gorbachev (different kind of celebrity, obviously); download Bourdain cut pretty deep, not only because he took his own life, but because he contributed so much to the modern world, especially around truly experiencing other places through food and conversation. Life has changed so much since he began, and we now live in a world where people travel to places and order food just to post on IG: Bourdain, Michael Pollan and others have pushed a different agenda. I remember reading An Omnivore’s Dilemma years ago and loving Pollan’s emphasis on preparing food together, on sitting down to eat together, and the ancient origins of sharing food out of love and closeness. In a world where people eat fast food in their cars and order ready-made dinners in the mail, we’ve lost a lot of that, and with it, a lot of human connection. Bourdain’s curiosity about culture and his habit of reading and researching the places he was going to be able to understand the people and the food and how everything came to be was another rare trait. For a guy who smoked packs of cigarettes a day, drank a ton and had an on again, off again drug problem, he was extremely thorough and intellectually curious. I really admired him, and I think the world lost something irreplaceable when he died.

April isn’t over yet, but this is plenty for a post before another hectic month at home.

to Tashkent

We travel not for trafficking alone:
By hotter winds our fiery hearts are fanned:
For lust of knowing what should not be known,
We make the Golden Journey to Samarkand.

— James Elroy Flecker, 1884-1915

The last two weeks have felt like an anxious countdown to departure, and yesterday I managed to tie up most loose ends and get started packing. After years of getting f’ed by Turkish Airlines, I can confidently say I will probably not make it to my destination on the flights I actually booked: BUT, I will be more prepared, with a change of clothes in my carry-on, a yak wool blanket, deodorant and toothpaste. At this point I’d bet money on being stuck in Istanbul for 12 hours minimum, and if I manage to make my connecting flight, I’m sure my luggage will not: a 3h layover has been gradually whittled down to 55 min, thanks to their constant schedule changes. I have 2.5 days of buffer in Tashkent to sort out whatever frustrations unfold en route.

I have had a lot going on, and I mean a lot. I have been dutifully frequenting both gyms, and will have 7 sessions behind me with my trainer before I leave (I have one more 7am on Tuesday). I am 1/3 of the way through this UX specialization program in one month, which puts me on pace to finish a 9-month program in 3 (technically 2.5, but I am not taking my computer with me on this trip so there is a two-week delay). My company has reinforced their hybrid policy, which doesn’t change a ton for me/my team other than I see my boss more and we go in two extra days a month. babies I have been showing up to lift at 7am, coming home to shower and get ready and bomb out of my house in 25 minutes to get to the office. On days I don’t do that, I do UX coursework.

We have said farewell to our two promotees, and I’ve backfilled one of my open roles. The team has business review presentations Monday/Tuesday, and the first iterations were not great, so that has taken a lot of my time. Last week was also our compensation review period, and I received a significant increase compared to what is the standard for us, as well as a chunk of equity, which is uncommon in non-tech roles. I suspected they may hit me with some kind of compensation increase with a retention aspect; I have been hopping from one retention bonus to another for awhile, and the last one fell off in November. On the plus side, my current plan is to simply transition within the company, so I ain’t mad about it.

I think I can safely say I’ve made up for lost time in the beginning of 2023. This UX certificate and lifting weights are simultaneous challenges for me: the foundations of UX are unlike anything I’ve learned before, so it has required my time and energy to actually listen and think through the information. There is a lot of project work. Typically what I learn is in some way, shape or form related to something else I know, but only now that I am in the compiling user data phase does it smack of market research; the initial course was brand new. My rough timeline is that this is complete by June, and I request that the UX research directors begin building out my 6-month role for the fall (it takes a few months to get the paperwork done and approved). I have a few month margin of error, so I am hoping that by the time my lease is up next summer, I am either in or transitioning to a different role in a different line of business, and perhaps moving again as well. I don’t hate Denver, but I suspect I will have to relocate, and will do so neutrally.

I love my new gym despite the exorbitant cost; I am sore every day and I work hard. My body is learning, I am able to connect to different muscles especially in my shoulders and back that I was unable to prior. I am hoping one of the long-term outcomes is that I manage to pull my knock-knees out a bit. My personal goals were to burn subcutaneous fat (the hyperthyroidism ate some of my muscle mass this time around, and I’ve felt flabbier than usual); to boost my metabolism; to continue to take steps to fortify my immune system against autoimmunity. My trainer has a degree in biochem, and is the perfect person to help me accomplish this. I love every moment of this experience. I see this as a long-term investment in my health, and I have 1 year and 3 months to hit the “best shape of my life” before I turn 40. I’m on my way.

Before I began going to Vital, I came across Joe Rogan’s podcast with David Goggins from last winter (I have been slow on my podcast game as I have been reading a lot). I respect the shit out of Goggins, I had read his first book last summer and am working on his new one; he is a bit too much in that he does not believe in rest or vacation and wants to be cranked up to 11 100% of the time, which to me is not sustainable and aggravates my immune system. The podcast is hilarious, and amazing: there is a part of it where he explains that being happy is easy – everyone knows how to do that – he, on the other hand, studies the dark, and that really stopped me dead in my tracks. That was one of the most relatable things I had heard in a long time, and I’ve really been reflecting on the fact that from a period of time a few years after graduating college, and especially throughout my time in Alaska, I have been systematically extracting all of the dark, shitty things inside me to contend with them. It’s often been a hard road, but it’s given me bottomless mettle and self-confidence in my ability to weather any storm. I’ve also thought a lot about how the people I encounter at this gym are the kinds of people I want in my life: people who push themselves constantly, and challenge themselves to be better, who are willing to face the music. People who are never finished becoming the best version(s) of themselves. How can I use this to further improve my quality of life, and that of others? A girl on my team recently told me that me being open about everything I’m doing has inspired her to rejoin Crossfit, as she couldn’t get started. That off-hand comment really meant a lot to me, that is the kind of shit I want more of in my life. I think it took me a long time to get into a good clip here in Denver, but I am definitely there now after a gradual upswing.

Matt also came down from Anchorage for a few days after returning from Djibouti, so we hit two excellent restaurants in town, and it was so, so nice to have him here. I’m not sure I will end up making a ton of matt close friends here in Colorado, and that’s fine with me, but I am really pleased that I’ve had so much time with my out of state friends. I am really looking forward to getting back to AK for a few days as well: I expect to propose to Di we go on at least two soul-crushing hikes, spuntino one being Bird Ridge, which I absolutely hate, because there are hours of false peaks along the way. I may also opt to re-do the Alyeska Flake, though it’s unlikely we’ll be able to get up that high with so much spring snow; we’ll see what we can do. The last time I did that hike, I did it in a fasted state and my quads gave out on the way down which was a total pain in the ass and delayed us significantly. The prospect of having a few days with two of my favorite people back in AK is really exciting. Toward the end of June, another friend is coming down from Juneau to hit the Emperor show with me in Dallas and hang for a few days. Feeling pretty grateful.

After a month of Seed probiotics, I also have experienced some interesting effects (good, bad and weird). The first few weeks, I had completely bizarre, vivid dreams, which is a known side effect of your gut flora changing. I wasn’t sure what to expect with this: it is another costly endeavor, and I was on the fence as I have a pretty healthy microbiome and have always consumed probiotic supplements and foods. I think my favorite outcome is that my teeth are whiter, or stay whiter: I have been whitening my teeth weekly for a few years now, due to a diet heavy in black coffee, black tea and red wine: I have whitened my teeth once since I began taking this supplement, and that was simply to see if I could get them even whiter. Apparently Seed has contains a probiotic strain that kills the bacteria that creates dental plaque, and that is pretty freakin’ cool. I also have completely lost my sweet tooth for the first time in my life… I am not a cake or donut person, but I do like sour candy and tart things, though I don’t partake often. I have no interest whatsoever these days.

LoomingTower

I think that’s about it for me – I have knocked out a number of books this month as well, though a few are in progress. I got through The Looming Tower, which was an unbelievably well-researched book about the lead-up to 9/11 and the pissing contest between the FBI and CIA around Osama bin Laden, as well as the life of John O’Neill, who warned the US for years and years only to die in the WTC. Hulu created a miniseries based on the book which was also very good, so I got through that. murder_in_samarkand

I am also finishing Murder in Samarkand, which is another great read, although it was difficult for me to find a copy. The book was written by a British ambassador and contains quite a bit of presumably confidential or semi-confidential information, so it seems to have been scrubbed from a lot of locations. Murray is highly critical of US and UK foreign policy toward Uzbekistan and the overlooking of gruesome human rights violations in return for UZ providing a jumping-off point to assist in the War on Terror. After reading a few more recent books about Uzbekistan, I am curious about how or why this country is the only one this travel company serves; I am not convinced it has lost its penchant for oppression and torture in the years between this book and present.

I will have to return all of my library books before I leave and will have to check a few of them out again in May; I am only home for 6 days in April between UZ and Atlanta, so it’s not going to happen. I am currently working on Tim Snyder’s The Road to Unfreedom, and Goggins’ Never Finished. I will do my best during this trip to not think about the fact that during my 6 days home, I will have to complete my own quarterly self-review, then conduct 7 of them for my direct reports, have two lifting days minimum, get organized and then head off to Atlanta to see Juan for what will likely be the last time before he moves back to Stanford. Life is hectic, but life is good.

February

I spent the entire month of February hoping, believing, that feeling totally normal was right around the corner. I’m not sure why I believed that this transition would be more like the flip of a switch than a gradual change, hike2 but it proved to be ridiculous: only in the last week or so do I feel I have returned mostly to myself: biologically, mentally, intellectually, emotionally, philosophically… existentially. 2023 has been really fucking annoying so far.

The set of symptoms I’ve experienced this round has been different than past episodes. For the first time, hyperthyroidism gave me pretty constant anxiety, combined with nightly panic attacks, along the lines of “am I dying? I might be dying”… every. Night. I am pretty well equipped for this: I have long desensitized myself to the symptoms of panic attacks, as I used to have them regularly in college. What I was unprepared for is that after the hyperthyroidism had passed and my blood work returned to normal (I also passed out at LabCorp during my blood draw, which is common, but was definitely a first for me – I have no fear of needles whatsoever) I rebounded into a kind of bizarre depressive state, which was a horrible pairing for bloating, water retention and general sluggishness. I am a lot of things, depressed hasn’t ever tended to be one of them, so that really fucked me up for a few weeks. It also put a giant dent in my self-esteem, because I felt like I was exploding out of my clothes 24/7, for no apparent reason, and my scale weight was up by 7-10lbs. I am still heavier than I should be, but it is trending in the right direction, and I imagine it is just unfortunate water retention. I may or may not still have some subclinical hypothyroidism, but I will just wait it out and see if it resolves itself over the next few weeks.

I had, in mid-February, resumed fasting at 20:4 and returned to much lower carb intake and higher fat (after my trip to Chicago, where I ate EVERYTHING, as my peer there is also a foodie). chicago I also resumed my very high intensity gym routine, so that’s been great: I’ve clocked over 600 active minutes a week for the past month or so, and that is bad ass. I decided to step up my bio-hacking and have folded more adaptogens and two different probiotics into my diet: one is Seed, which is outrageously expensive, but is well researched and reviewed, so we’ll see what happens. I suspect my microbiome is quite healthy already, but I’d like to further optimize; we will continue to learn as time goes on that having shitty gut flora can cause everything from IBS to depression to anger to cystic acne.

I have invested a lot more time over the years into self-care and health/well-being, which has been a consequence of aging. It simply takes more effort and research. I decided many years ago to not wear makeup (at all), and that puts additional pressure on me to keep my skin in good shape (my skin actually looks amazing presently, and I am not particularly self-complimentary). hike3 I would not have seen myself, ten years ago, as someone who occasionally splurges on Korean beauty products, or puts carrot oil under my eyes, or uses a facial exfoliator in the shower, or puts a frozen eye mask on at 6am before my alarm goes off 18min later, but apparently I am one of those people now.

I had planned to start lifting last year and had a very protracted adjustment to Denver, so when asking myself what I want to do with my rediscovered health, I found a highly regarded strength gym 1.1 mi away from me, and will be heading in for an assessment at the end of the week. It’s time. I want to continue to do more for myself physically for every year I age; and at 40 I’d like to be in peak physical shape, so this gives me sufficient time.

Outside of fitness, I’ve forced myself to get out and socialize more; I do have a group of friends here that I have not seen much over the months. A girlfriend from work and I did a happy hour this week, then I went to see Rotting Christ, then hit another happy hour the next day with a really awesome woman who was my Lyft driver in October (yes, I got her number and we agreed to have a friend date. It was amazing). I am going to keep this up; while I am happy to stay home most of the time, it’s probably better for me to go spend time with people. I realized during the pandemic that antisocial behavior robs people of the ability to polish their ideas and sharpen their opinions; I do Zoom regularly with my friends, but I definitely need to keep up the face time.

Resuming a high fat intake (and feeling better overall) has also pushed my brain back into overdrive, and below are the books I’ve knocked out in the past month: not bad. Holy shit, sometimes you don’t know how bad you feel until you feel better.

I’ve read a few too many books to really delve into each of them: War on the West, The Identity Myth and On Decline were all excellent: Identity Myth was well researched and complex; War on the West was a slightly more vague version of such; On Decline was written by the guy who did The Authenticity Hoax. I think I’d skip On Decline in the future, start with War on the West, and if you like that one, continue with The Identity Myth, which has a ton of intriguing content and a lot of source material.

I also stumbled upon Metabolical, by one of my fave doctor-writers, Robert Lustig, so I read that, and The Hacking of the American Mind. Lustig gave a lecture I loved called Sugar: The Bitter Truth (the link is probably different from the one I originally came across, but the content is likely the same) and I’ve read his other books. Metabolical was great, very much in line with his other work – he is a crusader against processed food, and rightfully so; he is (was: he has since retired) a pediatric endocrinologist and a lot of his work is based on the horror he experienced tending to 200lb 10 year-olds – can you blame him? The second book, The Hacking of the American Mind, was kind of all over the place: neurobiology, psychology, metabolism, vices and virtues, essentially his top rules for living a good life, which I actually found to be the most memorable part of the book.

As for the other books… Sovietistan was a bit outdated, but entertaining, and I will knock out another slightly outdated Uzbekistan book before I depart, Murder in Samarkand. Secondhand Time was unbelievably good: that book will remain in my permanent collection. Probably one of the best contemporary books I’ve read about Russia in years. The final three are by Bosnian writers: the dual My Parents/This Does Not Belong To You was one I hadn’t read by Aleksandar Hemon, and The World and All That It Holds was really exceptional (it is new, and was reviewed in The Economist). I was skeptical about this book: two gay soldiers – one Sephardic Jew and one Muslim – drafted into the military as WWI begins and drift from their home in Sarajevo to Shanghai, through Tashkent and Samarkand. It ended up being as good as it was sad: and it was very both. There is a lot of history packed into that book as they move east, and east, and east, and clash with so many different cultures. It was really an exemplary read.

As for what’s coming up beyond Uzbekistan, there are some good shows in the works, particularly Emperor’s US tour (they seem to have been released from exclusivity with Psycho canceling). emperor I booked all of my stuff for Dallas and am meeting some friends down there (and perhaps bringing one of the metalheads from here with me). I considered hitting up the Chicago show for my birthday as well (they are playing Jun 23) but I think I will do something else.

Botch is also doing a reunion tour and are, shockingly, playing in Denver in the fall – there are multiple amazing shows here in the fall, including Igorrr (finally rescheduled) and Ne Obliviscaris, so it’ll be a good time of year. I am still TBD on Brutal Assault and it’s not looking promising for me given the slim pickings for hotel rooms (they did not announce this year as they usually do, so we missed the boat). I am actually feeling pretty OK about staying put this summer and maybe taking an additional trip to Myrtle Beach. I am eternally grateful that Di, my long-time hiking partner, changed her plans to drop in on me in AK when I’m up there, so that will be a very active trip and we will bang out some good, wet, muddy hikes for the days I’m there. That was a really amazing surprise.

Speaking of hardcore music, I was listening to Jocko on Huberman Lab and he was asked what was an early contributor to who he became as a person and his sense of resilience, and he attributed it to hardcore music… I was pretty shocked and amused. I have resumed listening to more podcasts lately as well.

Last, I enrolled in a course on UX, and finished the first module. It will take me a few months, but I believe I will successfully be able to switch careers in the next year or two, and I am really enjoying what I am learning. One of the researchers I spoke to commended me for my bravery at hurling myself into the unknown, but that is pretty much just my thing. Everyone across those teams has been so helpful – I’ve received a ton of source material, courses, book recommendations, have been CC’d on emails and invited to labs and studies, it’s been really awesome. I am not 100% sure if their remote situation will continue, but if not, and if I cannot stay in Denver, I will most likely move to Texas. We shall see. I also happened upon a lifetime membership to Babbel, so I am going to use that to brush up on my Swedish, which is still pretty good considering I never use it, and probably start with Russian (why not?). It’s awesome to have all of my synapses firing again.

That’s about it, I think. I may or may not post before I leave at the end of the month; we’ll see. If not, I’ll have a lot to yap about it when I get back.

Everything Everywhere

January has been a lot. I am feeling much better, which I suppose is the most important part. I managed to take someone else’s canceled endocrinology appointment in mid-Jan (every office I called was booked solid until the end of April, which was pretty nerve-wracking), and it was nice to sit down with someone who didn’t treat me like an idiot. IMG-20230128-WA0005 Given my severe lack of sleep and puffy, greying raccoon eyes at that point, I was persuaded to give beta blockers a try, and they have helped a lot. I have always been afraid of this stuff, despite it being one of the most commonly prescribed drugs in the Western world. 20mg of propanolol with 2mg of melatonin at bedtime has at least has allowed me to sleep over the past few weeks… and as of a few days ago, I am off both.

Last week I survived a heavy office week with multiple 12h days, and am happy that’s over. Our annual planning session seems to have gone decently enough – far less hectic than last year, although half our group is new, so it takes longer to come to agreement. There is a director position open in my office and I have decided to not apply: I actually informed the hiring manager earlier this week, and he was disappointed, although I suspect part of that is just trying to build the largest pool of applicants possible. I really don’t want to stay in this division beyond this position and I hate all the politics and am tired of feeling like an outlier. I am pretty sick of this org and everything we do; the only interesting part of this role is developing people: one of my people, who I confirmed will be offered a promotion on another team next week, was on the brink of being terminated a year ago. He was difficult to turn around, but I am impressed with him, proud of the outcome of the effort that went into that.

I did receive a performance review this month that was so good it even surprised me: the feedback from my peers and direct reports was extremely flattering and thoughtful, and have been assigned a number of additional responsibilities, which I am actually pretty excited about. There are multiple people on my team that will receive promotions and fly the coop, off to other NORAM-based teams where they will be leads, so there is a lot to be proud of in this year in terms of growing people.

Continue reading →

2022, Year in Review

This is a very long post. Sorry not sorry.

December is existential crisis month for me, and December 2022 has not deviated from that norm. Given my penchant for reducing my life to spreadsheets, I also look forward to this opportunity to chop up my year in numbers and lists: I analyze spending patterns, update budget spreadsheets, amass my tax paperwork and my rental property P&L. I update my annual good/bad/fail/goal summary tab, which has been helpful in giving me a more quantitative look at what I’ve accomplished in the previous year. I realized a long time ago I tend to look at my accomplishments very cynically, and kick myself for being a disappointment and waste of potential — a worthless meat popsicle — and I need to be able to look at what actually happened to alleviate this sense of utter failure. This feeling has always been with me, I am extremely hard on myself and my absolute worst critic 100% of the time, and living with this perception of my life day in and day out is a nightmare.

My primary work-related goals in 2022 were to (a) master my new role in 3 months versus the 12-18 I was told I would need to fully absorb my responsibilities, and (b) survive employment at this company through the end of my retention bonus/relocation payout, which would be clawed back if I departed before November 1. Both were accomplished, and I took on a second team in July on top of my own team growing in leaps and bounds proficiency-wise. I certainly experienced some speed bumps along the way, but overall it was a professionally successful year where I found quite a few aspects of this role I really enjoy, namely upskilling/sales enablement and managing people in general, which was a surprise.

Continue reading →

And just like that,

Well, I was supposed to be wrapping up my year (mentally) this week in Austin with three hectic days of 2023 planning meetings with my leadership group. I woke up Sunday morning to a canceled calendar invite from my boss, who, along with the rest of his director crew, all seem to have contracted COVID at last week’s summit in Las Vegas.

I put so much time into the logistics, catering, planning, booking conference rooms, restaurant reservations, content and scheduling that I wanted to go anyway, but was overruled by the majority of my group, and fair enough. The larger frustration for me is that we’ll be “planning” for 2023 in 2023 which is a miserable thought for me. lake On the plus side, it sounds like the rescheduled event will happen here in Denver, which will make for a less insane January since I’ll already be spending the second week of the year back in Texas to hang over this team to their new manager (finally). My team also deserves the attention: I have the highest concentration of high performers of anyone in my group. In fact, I don’t spend enough time really taking in how insane it is that my team is so bad ass. We are actually beating most of North America in terms of key performance indicators. I hope I can promote at least 1/3 of my team in 2023: ideally half or more. They deserve it. They are not only good at their jobs, but they’ve become better-rounded, more cooperative, assertive but thoughtful people and I am proud AF.

I essentially have two more weeks of standard issue insanity, and I made a dinner reservation at a Spanish restaurant downtown with a girlfriend from work to really celebrate the winding down of 2022. While I gained back a few days, I still don’t want to travel, despite considering joining friends in Vegas, or my parents in Myrtle Beach. I am tired. I am approaching “burned out.” I want this year to be over. Any time I get time back in my life, it’s used doing shit I should’ve already done: today I got my flu shot, washed my truck and made an oil change appointment. Glamorous. I’ll be prepping my tax spreadsheets over Christmas break so I don’t have to deal with that hellscape in 2023, as per usual.

Dec 1 was my 8th year anniversary at this company, and it’s crazy to think I’ve been here for so long. One of my real Denver friends here took a contract job in Alexandria, Egypt and is departing in January, and I plan to just bide my time and see what happens with the path I’ve chosen to amble down in the new year. I booked my two weeks in Uzbekistan in April, I submitted my passport renewal app, I’ve completed all of my budgeting and goals/personal year in review spreadsheets early. Yesterday I got a wild hair and decided to throw out the expired food in all of my cabinets, of which there was more than I had anticipated, and that’s a shame. I also dropped off a giant garbage bag of clothes and shoes at Good Will today: items I’ve been lugging from home to home for the past decade thinking I’ll wear them again. Clearly I won’t. I’m not necessarily the kind of person who never gets rid of things, but I do seem to be the kind of person who overprepares, and I woefully overestimate the amount of food I can eat before it expires.

I continue to idealize a week or two of doing nothing here during Christmas break, but I’m pretty shitty at doing nothing, since I manage to over-administer my own life even when I’m doing two people’s jobs instead of one. In the past few weeks, my parents visited, I went to Dallas, I had an uncharacteristically festive Thanksgiving and decorated for Christmas (this is the first tree of my adult life, and it’s quite nice, actually). We also watched Dahmer during the long weekend, which was surprisingly revolting but very good. High recommend if you like to watch serial killer docs on your holiday break.

I have a huge stack of books to read and a lot of stuff to watch as well: I started and finished the much-hyped 1899 series this weekend, which was disappointing compared to this production house’s masterpiece, Dark; My Brilliant Friend season 3 is out and I’ll be saving that for the break: the books (The Neapolitan Novels) were so incredible I’m going to start all over from Season 1, Episode 1. I’m chipping away at 3 books, but I finished one very lengthy one yesterday, The Silk Roads by Peter Frankopan, which was so freakin’ good. I also finished Tim Snyder’s On Tyranny (Expanded Edition) which was great, although sometimes it felt like he was definitely not talking to someone who knows much about Ukraine. I’d suggest it to anyone who is interested in tying history to present — it’s interesting to read the same history with varied (although, generally aligned) interpretations from different authors. I downloaded a few other of his books and will knock them out over the break. He tends to surface in the documentaries I watch as well, so reading all of his books is probably overdue.

I’ll be (unsurprisingly) reading extensively about Central Asia over the coming months, although I think I’d be able to hold my own over there without reading anymore on that area. I had looked into trying to get to Bishkek or Almaty or stopping in Baku on the way over as well, but there is so much stuff to see in Uzbekistan that there won’t be time to hit the other ‘stans in the same trip. Frankopan’s book confirmed as much. I don’t know that I’ll spend any time in Europe in peak summer in 2023; I am kind of tired of sweating my ass off over there (I’ve been tired of Western Europe for years; other than metalfests, I’d only ever spend any time there to show my parents Iceland or Spain) and may opt to just spend some more time in Alaska or road trip instead. There is still a 50/50 chance I am talked into Brutal Assault, but as it stands we are already going to Finland for Steelfest in May, and that may be enough. And, I will of course be returning to Mexico for 9-10 days of doing absolutely nothing.

I also spent many hours watching TraumaZone, a lengthy documentary(ish) about peoples’ lives in Russia during the fall of the Soviet Union. It was pretty awesome if you’re into that kind of thing, ie, random old footage strung together into many-hours-long docuseries. I also stumbled upon Turning Point: 9/11 and The War on Terror on Netflix, which was surprisingly good. I guess the narrative is finally changing and we’re all acknowledging the US wasted a shitload of time, money and lives fucking around in Iraq and going into Afghanistan and squatting there for 20 years with no discernible objective. It’s been brutal to watch the dipshit things we’ve done overseas in terms of the Middle East in my lifetime; particularly because everyone was so tired of pointless occupation by the time Syria needed help that we didn’t do jack shit for them, when we should have. There are cool things happening in the world: Ukraine is slowly but painfully gaining ground; Iranians are finally tired of oppressive theocracy. I’ll end up voting for whoever is going to keep the weapons flowing to Ukraine, as I care much more about international events than I do about the shit show that is American domestic policy at this time.

Otherwise, I got nothing. I have not resumed drinking alcohol with any regularity, but I have maintained my step streak and have dutifully gone to the gym 4x+ a week. I have 1-2 friends coming over for Christmas Eve and am making a huge leg of lamb Persian-style and the standard Slavic accoutrements. I will deeply enjoy not thinking about work for days on end; my 4-day Thanksgiving weekend was actually spectacular for that reason.

That’s it for now. I hope to have accomplished more in the way of books by the end of December. If not, I’m not sure how I will pass the time.

Dispatches from Rahway, NJ

I have officially survived my sober and overscheduled October and am firmly into November. otto Soon enough, things will gradually calm down and I will spend the second half of December relaxing(ish) and, knowing myself, reflecting on a quite eventful year of change. It’s still mind-blowing to me that I’ve been here for nearly a year; I can’t believe how fast it has blown by, and I suppose at least part of it is that I have been too busy to be bored. Life is good, though, and while I am constantly grappling with what’s next, I have not ever felt I chose this step incorrectly. My father asked me if I still miss Alaska, and the answer is always yes, and will likely always be yes, but it was a good call to take a break and do something else. I also do not (yet) regret holding onto my house up there; I would be struggling a lot more emotionally if I had left nothing there to go back to.

This month’s story begins with my former roommate from Anchorage visiting. I had not seen him in a year. fifthstring He is more of a brother to me than a former roommate, or even friend, and conveniently one of his defense contractor buddies relocated to Denver at the same time I did, which meant he was visiting both of us here. Even more conveniently, we have become good friends in this past year, so we had a blast together. Matt (Anchorage) is in Djibouti now, and if I’m lucky I’ll see him again in the spring or summer.

An affinity for high-end meals is something we share, so we ate a ton. manhattan We also drove up to Leadville, a little mining town that quite a few people have recommended to me, and it was an all around awesome day. Leadville is very Alaskan; remote and quite rough around the edges. There was a bar for sale on the main strip when we visited that the guys later chased as a lead for our imaginary future together, where we all live on a compound, they never have to grow up or assume any responsibility, and I run the business to keep us all afloat. If only. The bar sold before we could grab it, so I guess we’re all stuck in our present lives.

Being a defense contractor or a member of the Armed Forces have never been attractive career paths to me, but the guys did finally talk me into taking the Foreign Service Officer Test (FSOT). It took a few days of mulling and surfing the web, but after easily passing the practice tests, I decided to do it. The process is long and the amount of assessments and screens have months of wait time between them, but given the cost ($0) I figure I’ll give it a whirl and see what happens. I still have some legwork to do (you need to pick a track, and the one I will probably choose is the most competitive), but the only thing I lose if this doesn’t go anywhere is the $40 I’ve spent on used study guides and a few hours of time.

It may look strange to abruptly change careers, but I’ve done so before and was never committed to one path in my life anyway. I bypassed a more focused specialization in college solely to ensure I had transferable skills that did not limit me geographically. I’ve had a pretty unbelievable experience thus far, and my experiences living in and traveling to bizarre backwater locales is an advantage. I shared with a family member last night that my life feels somewhat dull and ordinary; I am on the gerbil wheel. I have concerns about my future and my retirement and very few strings attached to anything here.

I talked a lot to some friends on this recent trip about what a hassle it is to feel like the world is your oyster – if that isn’t a first-world problem, I don’t know what is – I tend to try new things all the time and force myself into discomfort and end up excelling at most things I try (I think the excellence is a byproduct of being willing to really try to master new things instead of any kind of intelligence or talent), and maybe it’s time to start over and use my years upon years of devouring books and Economist articles to do some good. It’d also be an opportunity to serve; while the country devolves domestically into wokism, racism and other psychoses, it may be time for the rational and educated moderates to pick up some slack and make more deliberate sacrifices. We live in an age where even speaking of serving your country earns sneers and laughs, and that is pretty shameful to me. I also think there’s a decent chance of finding more people who are out in the world navigating complexity versus armchair quarterbacking on world events with minimal interest in experiencing it.

In any case, this potentially multi-year process starts on Dec 21, when I register for the FSOT in February. Then, we wait and see. In the meantime, now that I am off my retention contract and there is no penalty tied to leaving my company, I will be evaluating my options for next steps. I need a lot of friction and challenge in my life and have no intention of keeping this middle management job for very long, despite the fact that I seem to be quite good at it. I’ve never wanted an ordinary life. I don’t mean that as an insult to anyone else. I don’t know how or what that will translate to, but that feeling of constantly needing to be challenged has dominated my entire life and many of my choices. I know I have walked from many opportunities to lead a normal existence, and I reflect on that regularly (weddings definitely are a good opportunity to do so). While the idea of a life of routine fills me with dread, I am perfectly at peace in my skin with no concrete plan or commitment to one lifelong passion to rule them all. I think (wedding thoughts) especially as an unmarried woman pushing 40 surrounded by married siblings and cousins, it’s important to feel like you made your own choice, and I do.

Continue reading →

, the year grows old,

Returned from my very low-key trip to Mexico last Sunday, and still could not be happier I did that instead of the Jordan/Beirut trip I had initially intended to take. beach I never saw myself as an all-inclusive resort kind of person, but ten days of swimming, going to the gym, reading and getting 8 hours of sleep a night sound a lot more valuable to me than they might have ten years ago. This trip was just under a year from the last time I was down there, and it was a good way to close the door on the protracted adjustment period I’ve given myself here, during which I’ve only loosely employed intermittent fasting; I’ve struggled at times to figure out how to make it to the gym 4 days a week; and I’ve often slacked on truly getting enough exercise (as much as I need to not feel murderous).

I decided about halfway through the trip that as of Oct 1 I’d fully lay off alcohol for a month, if not longer (I will probably continue through the end of the year with a holiday exception or two), and I’d have to restart OMAD. I’ve tested many types of fasting: alternating between loose OMAD and 23:1 are the ideal types for me, and I figure I’ll use the rest of the year to reacclimate to it. 9 days in, I’ve had no trouble with either changes, and I have yet to break by 10K step a day streak despite being in the office and having a friend from LA visiting me this week. I suspect returning to fasting — which is something I’ve been doing for the past 5-6 years — and giving up cocktail time after work will unlock more time / energy, and I’ll need it. I haven’t been drinking much regardless, but I’ve come to look forward to my post-work G&T or glass of Tempranillo a bit more than is ideal.

With so many friends visiting, it’ll be a challenging month to do this, but I’ve navigated 1/3 of the month easily. My former roommate from Anchorage is visiting later this week and through the weekend; Juan is dropping into town for a show midweek next week, then a friend from RI is coming in on Friday. I then am returning to Austin, then Dallas before I head back to NY / NJ / PA to see some friends and go to my cousin’s wedding. The Texas team has a new manager who starts at the end of this month, and I’ll transition his team to him in December. I’m hoping mid/late December is a recovery month for me; I have no plans and no interest in going anywhere after a final work trip in early December, so it’ll be a nice opportunity to reflect, especially given at that time last year my life felt like a complete disaster and I made it here almost a month before my belongings did. It’s been a long, strange, and yet ultimately fruitful year. I logged my 2022-23 rough fails / goals into my spreadsheet when I got back from Mexico as well; this year was so rough that I actually skipped my halfway/birthday check-in to accumulate more data points.

I burned through quite a few books on my trip, and I am making good progress at home as well.

Journey from the Land of No & Gourmet Rhapsody | royah I honestly didn’t love either of these: the former was OK. I shared with a colleague that my favorite Iran book remains Reading Lolita in Tehran; Journey was a good series of stories and I have a lot of respect for this author, so I may read her other book(s). HBO has a new miniseries called Hostages about the hostage crisis in ’79 that is actually pretty good, I am working my way through that (also seems appropriate to plug Escape from Kabul here, which was well done). The hostage crisis is the least interesting part of Hostages; I watched it because I was curious about the narrative they’d use around the Shah. I begin some of these docuseries with a bit of skepticism, but both are quite good and even Hostages is pretty balanced (so far). Escape from Kabul could never untangle the entire web of history leading up to Biden’s botched pull-out, but what it did cover, it covered well. Trigger warning for the Taliban commanders cheering about how they “defeated” America. We defeated ourselves in Afghanistan.

Gourmet Rhapsody was given to me by a fellow foodie, and while a lot of the food experiences resonate with me (particularly the author’s experiences with oysters), she was too arrogant for me to have really enjoyed what she was saying. She’s written at least one bestseller (not this one), but I’ll pass. I loved her thoughts on her grandmother’s cooking and I found that very relatable; regardless of not loving her ‘voice,’ a lot of the content was definitely relatable and had me thinking that I’ll surely be spending more time in the winter cooking more devotedly. I actually also bought a copy of the OG McCall’s Cookbook while I was gone so that’s sitting on my kitchen counter.

The Happiness Hypothesis | happiness_hypothesis I picked this up for two reasons: first, it’s written by Jonathan Haidt, and second, I’ve been struggling with this (‘happiness’) myself and I wonder at times why I feel so dissatisfied with my life and trajectory (this has changed a lot in the past few months). After a rough start down here in Colorado I am pretty happy with my life; I’ve lost some “friends” over the past few years for various reasons, but the quality of my relationships has increased, and the people I’ve kept are authentic and genuine. Any wishy-washiness at this point comes down to career path and feeling like I’m not sure what direction I want to go in. That said, this book was excellent. It is primarily philosophy and (mostly) ancient wisdom, both Eastern and Western. Change is difficult, especially when it’s forced (in my case, I forced myself), but I’ve again come out the other end on the upswing. Haidt is excellent and I’ve read a lot from him, so I was not disappointed in the least.

Plagues Upon the Earth | plagues This is the best infectious disease book I’ve read since Spillover. Infectious disease is another strange lifelong obsession, probably due to a combination of morbid curiosity and a fascination in complex systems theory. Despite my concurrent obsession with history, I found the sheer magnitude of death and disease in centuries past to be mind-blowing. The author starts in prehistoric times with schistosomiasis, continues with typhus, typhoid fever, shigella (dystentery), bubonic plague, lymphatic filariasis, malaria, smallpox, yellow fever, HIV, etc. I will probably listen to this book again to make sure I didn’t miss anything. Spillover was more grotesque in terms of details (Marburg and Hantavirus did not make it into Plagues) but I loved both and would strongly recommend to anyone who grew up pre-internet searching through Microsoft Encarta for radiation sickness photos like I did (yes, I have problems).

Cafe Europa Revisited | europa_r I was pleased to buy this after running out of Drakulić books to read: I’ve read everything she’s written, and this was not a disappointment in the least. Anyone who wants to glean an understanding of Eastern Europe and doesn’t want to read the lengthy & complex history to string ideas together should just read her instead. Slavenka Drakulić and Anne Applebaum have both done an incredible job conveying the nuances of Slavic culture: Applebaum is heavily historical and Drakulić is more focused on contemporary social issues and heavily focused on the Balkans and former Yugoslav region (Revisited is mostly Europe-focused and not Balkan-focused). I have even more admiration for her for covering the highly sensitive topic of immigration in Scandinavia and the ensuing failure of their expansive refugee programs. Speaking of which, I stumbled upon a really good Italian film, Terraferma, focused on similar challenges in Southern Italy.

I’m currently wrapping up Putin’s People, a highly acclaimed book about the rise of Putin and KGB-run Russia during and after Yeltsin’s departure. Having read so much of this stuff and seeing what happened with the Crimean bridge the other day, I’m waiting for Putin’s next false flag: I don’t know how this will all shake out, but I remain proud of the Ukrainians and ashamed of any Americans who doubted them (I also think Elon Musk is an absolute fool after his “peace plan,” and I’m glad he was told to shut his pie hole by a swarm of Ukrainian diplomats and officials). As I saw in a meme early on in this war, NATO should be asking to join the Ukrainian army, not the other way around. Putin could potentially have destroyed his own future with this, fiasco and I sincerely hope that is the case. Unfortunately the narrative he’s used around Zaporizhzhia’s nuclear power plant, his subsequent annexation of that region (which he does not control) and the plant’s waning power supply is a huge risk and sets the stage for him to blame the Ukrainians for a nuclear meltdown. I wish they’d close the Georgian border as well; Georgia needs to rethink their Visa requirements and I hope this is a learning opportunity for them.

That’s it for now. I will probably not post again until I mid-November.

August+

I had wanted to put more effort into this photo gallery, and space them apart the way I did with the Balkan trips, but the truth is I’m short on time and patience. I contemplated sharing the entire Google Photo gallery I made for a friend, but that seems like overkill. So, I will just intersperse a few smaller galleries in somewhat random order throughout my text.

It already seems like this past trip was a long time ago; I have not stopped since I got back, and have, since my last post, recovered from COVID, been to Dallas, been to Austin twice, and am about to leave for Mexico on Friday. I feel strangely organized and in the zone considering everything I have going on (my heart rate variability score would disagree). I am a bit disappointed that I have not been to the gym as much as I’d prefer, but otherwise I am pretty happy with how I have managed, despite not having any kind of free time whatsoever. I have comforted myself by making numerous batches of random soups and stews, which is a definite throwback from living in New York, but still is oddly soothing to me. Butternut soup, my grandmother’s shrimp/okra gumbo and Thai coconut soup now fill my freezer, and I’ve managed to procure a few high-end ham hocks to continue this into the fall.

People at work regularly ask me if I’m managing OK, which always takes me a bit aback: I like this. This workload is not sustainable, but it’s interesting, and I feel there are many problems to solve right now. I am very grateful I had the foresight to book a trip to Mexico, as it’s given me something to look forward to. Forced relaxation time seems to be the only way to chill, and I’m happy I’ve learned that much about myself.

A few shots from Old Town Tbilisi:

I haven’t been reading as much as I would like, either, and most of my energy has gone into the experience of having one high performing team and one severely low performing team that is entirely lost and having to start them from zero, spread between Denver, Dallas and Austin. I am chipping away at some very interesting books, and hope to get through a few in Mexico. I am almost done with Plagues Upon the Earth, which is incredible, and I’ll be upset when I run out of pages.

My Airbnb rental season has ended as well, and that’s been a relief; I will be turning my condo over to my tenants shortly. I’m bummed I was not able to find time to return this fall, but it is what it is. I still feel regular pangs of sadness that I am no longer living up there, but Denver is slowly growing on me. I wouldn’t call it somewhere I love living, but I don’t hate it either, and I can’t think of anywhere else I’d rather be outside of back in AK. My boss will be interviewing for a promotion soon, and if he gets it, I plan to apply for his job (I have no idea what my actual chances would be) to make up for lost time. When I shared my intentions with him, he didn’t laugh at me, so I think that’s an OK indicator.

I really hated my current job until around July, when I had a ton extra dumped on my plate. The many months of thought and effort I had put into building a healthy culture from a toxic, broken team also really began to pay off, and after getting through business reviews, I’m pretty happy about where everything is, although I still do not believe this job is for me in the long run. I am fairly sure after this most recent trip to Austin, they will not be joining my fanclub. Managing people is hard, but I am interested in how different people are, and what motivates them, as much as they all piss me off near-daily. In one month, I’m free of being indebted by contract to my employer, and it has taken me almost that long to enjoy what I’m doing and to wake up fairly eager to start another day. Going back and forth to Texas has been a lot of fun; having a good (metalhead) friend in Austin makes it even better. So does Velvet Taco. Overall I am better at this than I thought, and at this juncture it’s not as miserable as I expected. I’ll take it.

I plan to be pretty busy with this, friends’ visits, shows and travel for the remainder of the year, and will happily be staying home alone for Christmas. I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that it’s been almost a year since I accepted this job and subsequently moved; I can’t believe how fast time has passed, and that changed so dramatically after watching the days ooze by like molasses during the pandemic.

Tskaltubo
I can’t understate what an unbelievable experience this was for me, and for that reason there are a lot of photos. I would have preferred to stay there for much longer, as there is a lot to explore. I was really blown away by the unbelievable intricacy of some of these buildings, and the timelessness of some of them, even despite the complete disrepair. I was extremely sick one afternoon from the heat and I did not care at all. This was my favorite part of the trip despite the disgusting humidity.

Apart from that, there’s not a whole lot to say. It was Fuji’s 9th birthday this past weekend, and I mostly kept to myself. I have multiple friends flying in to visit in October, then am going back to NJ/NY/PA, then my parents are visiting, and it sounds like the travel plans will just roll forward until Christmas. I plan to winter camp in Moab later in the winter/very early spring, and will probably return to Denmark and continue onto Finland in May. I am closely watching what else transpires in Central Asia, for many reasons, one of them being that I’d like that to be my next big trip (Tajikistan is not on my list, but Kyrgystan is).

My life feels fairly normal at this point after a very large valley of despair. I had to take stock recently in how much success I’ve had in moving down here in terms of what my goals were: to have more people in my life, to challenge myself at work, to struggle more. To feel more like a part of the world again. I wouldn’t go so far as to say I’m proud of myself, but I made a good call by relocating, and I’ve worked hard to get to where I am now, as exhausting as its been.

Random photos from wherever (+Armenia, Czech)